Well, at least I know how I'm going to die...

Universal Designs--a California-based company--has recently begun selling a familiar-looking set of kevlar-plated "motorcycle gear." It's a batsuit.  A kevlar-plated batsuit.


I'm sure that anyone who considers shelling out $1,000 for the jacket, pants, gloves and boots is doing so because they're concerned about bike safety.

Let's face the facts: This is being marketed to me.  Not guys like me.  Me, specifically.  I mean, I may not be an expert on biking, but it seems pretty obvious that those scallops on the fore-arms serve no purpose unless you're planning to drive your motorcycle through a crowd of sword-wielding ninjas who are hell-bent on burning Gotham to ground.  The thing's covered in bullet-proof plates, and is the perfect shade of black for blending into the shadows of darkened alleyways--marketing it as "motorcycle gear" is about as convincing as those glass, pipe-shaped "paperweights" street vendors sell near Union Square.

No, friends, this is a leather-and-kevlar Batsuit.  Not that it's exactly an option, but I've asked a few people who are close to me to ensure that I don't ever think about buying it.  You see, if I do, I will end up putting on a cape made out of parachute material and a ski mask, hang around the seedier parts of central Brooklyn late at night waiting to bust up drug deals, and very quickly get myself killed.  I'd really have no other option, and I think the irresponsible folks at Universal Designs know this.

Well, whether it gets me killed or not, at least I've found the only gear that could possibly compliment this bike.

15 Books: "Winter Dreams"

15 Books: The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman